Last night after Indian food, we picked up some desserts and headed home to watch Lindsay Lohan (aka FireCrotch) in "Herbie Fully Loaded." It was a TOTAL ham of a movie but I have to admit that I kinda liked it. It wasn't pretentious or thought provoking. It was just stupidly funny. It had a lot of the original cheeze from the original Herbie movies where you know, Herbie spurts some oil on the character or magically opens his car door on an unsuspecting but offensive character. In other words, it wasn't trying to take itself serious. It was just a silly predictable movie with some really stupid lines that made me laugh.
Plus I love Matt Dillon and his brother (the character) Johnny Drama in Entourage (HBO). Their facial expressions are naturally slapstick. Matt Dillon had the best lines in the movie. In the movie he plays the premiere NASCAR driver who continually loses to Herbie - a beat up old bug that is salvaged by Michael Keaton and Firecrotch. Speaking of Michael Keaton he is looking pretty bad these days. Is he sick? He looks sick, pale and way to thin.
Ok, back to the movie: Matt Dillon's character constantly tries to sabotage and kill Herbie throughout the movie but Herbie, that old bug just outsmarts and outraces Matt Dillon. Matt Dillon doesn't understand how this beat up ghetto bug keeps winning. He tells Firecrotch at some point, "You can take the car out of the junkyard but you can't take the junkyard out of the car." Firecrotch is sad. Herbie is sad. Matt Dillon is just mean. Priceless.
Matt Dillon threatens the bug, tries to bust its windows, and has Herbie sent to a demolition rally to be crushed by a red neck mullet hair club member swearing monster truck driver. Oh no, but Herbie doesn't die. In fact, he's triumphant. He flies through the air somehow (I don't recall the details on how he begins to fly as I was busy eating my apple tart) but he flies through the air to the song "JUMP" from Van Halen and lands right ON TOP of the monster truck and crushes him. The crowd swoons, screams, jeers, cheers. Everyone is happy.
***Meanwhile the song JUMP is still playing:
I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. i've seen the toughest around.
And i know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real
Oh can't you see me standing here,
I've got my back against the record machine
I ain't the worst that you've seen.
Oh can't you see what i mean ?
Might as well jump. jump !
Might as well jump.
Go ahead, jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump.
It was fantastic. My favorite scene so far.
Matt Dillon is pissed off. He can't win. "I'm gonna get you bug. I'm gonna get you!" These were the final lines of the movie as Herbie wins the NASCAR cup, Lindsay Lohan and the iMAC commercial boy make-out and Matt Dillon is taken away in a emergency ambulance to the mental hospital.
The only creepy thing about Herbie is that he is kinda stalkerish and very horny. I mean he's on the hunt all the time. They could have left all that out since there are a few too many narrow lens takes of Lindsay Lohan. It's the same narrow lens takes they use in movies when a stalker is staring at the victim through the bedroom window. In the end he can't have Firecrotch so he goes after the bug to the tune of Lional Richie's Hello:
I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Passing outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you
In the end, he gets the young yellow bug which is akin to an old man getting the young hot chick. Herbie is a 60's something model and she's a 2005 model. Phedofilia if you ask me.
Michael Keaton has to warn Herbie to behave himself. Is this a sordid reminder of the age difference?
Cheeze.
Ah but back to my favorite line: I'm gonna get you bug! I'm gonna get you bug!
2 comments:
ah, but he has all new parts, so it's more like 2-year-old and a 46-year-old whose had his hips, heart and lungs replaced, pumped full of steroids, and various Frankenstein-style limb reattachments harvested from young athletes or simply a body part factory.
If they just changed the soundtrack, they'd have a cult horror film on their hands... just swap Portishead's Nobody loves me for Lionel and The Police's Every Breath You Take for Eddie VH and friends.
I can't blieve u wrote the lyrics 2 the Lionel Ritchie song!
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